http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tw1xgeM3Rb4&NR=1
i haven't seen this show in years.. .but i was reminded of this scene today..
Thursday, October 30, 2008
Wednesday, October 29, 2008
Matthew 24:42-44, 26:40-41, Luke 21:36
So this is what happens:
I had a pretty good/normal day yesterday. I was on task- I got stuff done that I needed to do- I went to classes with only the average amount of "I don't want to be here" attitude- I was prepared and attentive, even in my boring lecture. I was able to entertain myself without wondering what other people were doing or desiring the presence of another person. I went to chapel, I did some Seriously heavy journaling (which I almost shared here and decided against doing)..... It was a good day. And in reflecting on this after i returned home in the evening, I realized this made me.. nervous.
Nervous because I might be recovering? maybe a little.
nervous because ...
{sidebar for a moment: I had this discussion with someone earlier, and came to a different conclusion than the one I am about to expand on. I think I was being stubborn in our conversation. Thinking through what I said- it's not quite on par.}
I think I realize I was nervous because God was working. So whether it was my mind or the devil or what have you, my self responded to a good day with laziness and zero productivity. I was energized arriving home, i made lists of to-do for the evening, had books lined up for study time.. did the dishes. and then I sat down and saw that I was doing what I was supposed to be doing and something stopped working, and then I was off task again.
and I woke up regretting that, again, and even if today is a new day- the guilt of a wasted evening is haunting my free time.
So what does this say about God? I think one thing it speaks to is that everything is a process. And it's not a process because God likes moving slowly or can't just *poof* fix everything by waving a wand. Because He can, and I think He does. But I think our selves/minds/bodies/hearts aren't prepared for that kind of change.
Even before this semester, prayers for humility, I think, were answered with struggles that build and build because I'm not properly humbled to deal with them individually... so stuff piles up until I break under the weight.
And like any process of healing, you can only really get 100% when you wait patiently, stick to the prescription diligently, take good care of yourself- and keep it up even when you're feeling better, so that you don't fall sick again.
I think that's my guilt for the day. Not that I was feeling better- but that I feel easily into bad habits when I knew the difficult emotions weren't immediately present.
Constant Vigilance! no joke- it's really important.
it reminds me of this scene from Dr. Who (i'm a nerd at times- ok?) This episode was about these aliens who, if you looked at them- turned to stone. But when you couldn't see them- they would attempt to kill you. and they were wicked fast. S0 you had to keep staring .... because every blink brought them a little closer.
That's my life metaphor for the day. Back to studying.
I had a pretty good/normal day yesterday. I was on task- I got stuff done that I needed to do- I went to classes with only the average amount of "I don't want to be here" attitude- I was prepared and attentive, even in my boring lecture. I was able to entertain myself without wondering what other people were doing or desiring the presence of another person. I went to chapel, I did some Seriously heavy journaling (which I almost shared here and decided against doing)..... It was a good day. And in reflecting on this after i returned home in the evening, I realized this made me.. nervous.
Nervous because I might be recovering? maybe a little.
nervous because ...
{sidebar for a moment: I had this discussion with someone earlier, and came to a different conclusion than the one I am about to expand on. I think I was being stubborn in our conversation. Thinking through what I said- it's not quite on par.}
I think I realize I was nervous because God was working. So whether it was my mind or the devil or what have you, my self responded to a good day with laziness and zero productivity. I was energized arriving home, i made lists of to-do for the evening, had books lined up for study time.. did the dishes. and then I sat down and saw that I was doing what I was supposed to be doing and something stopped working, and then I was off task again.
and I woke up regretting that, again, and even if today is a new day- the guilt of a wasted evening is haunting my free time.
So what does this say about God? I think one thing it speaks to is that everything is a process. And it's not a process because God likes moving slowly or can't just *poof* fix everything by waving a wand. Because He can, and I think He does. But I think our selves/minds/bodies/hearts aren't prepared for that kind of change.
Even before this semester, prayers for humility, I think, were answered with struggles that build and build because I'm not properly humbled to deal with them individually... so stuff piles up until I break under the weight.
And like any process of healing, you can only really get 100% when you wait patiently, stick to the prescription diligently, take good care of yourself- and keep it up even when you're feeling better, so that you don't fall sick again.
I think that's my guilt for the day. Not that I was feeling better- but that I feel easily into bad habits when I knew the difficult emotions weren't immediately present.
Constant Vigilance! no joke- it's really important.
it reminds me of this scene from Dr. Who (i'm a nerd at times- ok?) This episode was about these aliens who, if you looked at them- turned to stone. But when you couldn't see them- they would attempt to kill you. and they were wicked fast. S0 you had to keep staring .... because every blink brought them a little closer.
That's my life metaphor for the day. Back to studying.
Monday, October 27, 2008
Control switch.
i'm taking a break from studying for my 4oclock midterm to give a commentary on yesterday's entry.
Someone said something once about the devil's greatest trick was convincing us he didn't exist.
For me I think it's been convincing me that he does exist.
I think the trick comes in then, that it's not my problem/fault when I'm depressed and feel like I can't do anything. and YES - it isn't my fault. I do have some level of self-worth still.
BUT- when it seems like I can't do anything to get myself out of depression and feel like I just want to sit around and mope, feeling sorry for myself and such- then it becomes my problem. Because I KNOW the truth that God gave us- that He can overcome anything and that life is not in my control, but refusing to trust it gives the devil a new foothold in my life.
In my blindness, allowing myself to be convinced that there was nothing left I could do has been my greatest defeat.
And if I can learn to turn that defeat over to God along with the rest of this broken life, it will be raised as my greatest victory over desire for self-control.
so yesterday I was sad. This morning I barely made it to work- I kept looking for excuses not to go but didn't want to lie. Now, I'm just angry. at demons that can deceive and trick me, at myself for being blind enough to be deceived, and still a little at God for allowing deception. (I'm not perfect, okay?)
fueling my study time with rage and an empty stomach. My academic advisor is not going to be pleased when I see her this afternoon.
Someone said something once about the devil's greatest trick was convincing us he didn't exist.
For me I think it's been convincing me that he does exist.
I think the trick comes in then, that it's not my problem/fault when I'm depressed and feel like I can't do anything. and YES - it isn't my fault. I do have some level of self-worth still.
BUT- when it seems like I can't do anything to get myself out of depression and feel like I just want to sit around and mope, feeling sorry for myself and such- then it becomes my problem. Because I KNOW the truth that God gave us- that He can overcome anything and that life is not in my control, but refusing to trust it gives the devil a new foothold in my life.
In my blindness, allowing myself to be convinced that there was nothing left I could do has been my greatest defeat.
And if I can learn to turn that defeat over to God along with the rest of this broken life, it will be raised as my greatest victory over desire for self-control.
so yesterday I was sad. This morning I barely made it to work- I kept looking for excuses not to go but didn't want to lie. Now, I'm just angry. at demons that can deceive and trick me, at myself for being blind enough to be deceived, and still a little at God for allowing deception. (I'm not perfect, okay?)
fueling my study time with rage and an empty stomach. My academic advisor is not going to be pleased when I see her this afternoon.
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