no good

lately my 'edit posts' section is starting to fill up with 1-2 sentence drafts, but i have yet to finish a thought.

partially it's because i'll start typing something because I don't want to be studying/praying/doing something else i should do. But then I realize I (1) don't have anything to say and (2) am just wasting time.

We all know that saying "if you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all"
for me- I'm trying to learn it this way: "if you can't say anything meaningful, don't say anything at all."

It seems a bit silly when there are so many other things that I could be working on in life... but I think taking an account of frivolity in life could really help me in gaining a perspective on what my priorities are.

'having fun' really is my downfall. not to say that i can never laugh or smile... but that I use social activities as an excuse to put off work and a shield to block out pain/thought..

I feel like I've been hanging onto the edge of the shallow end of a pool. That there's something awesome out there in the deep end- waiting for me to just swim out... but I just can't make it past that part where I'm on tiptoe to touch the bottom. At some point- I have to just believe that there's no weights tied to my ankles when I make that next step. At some point- I need to know that even though my head might go under ocassionally, that water is still keeping me afloat, no matter how deep.

ugh... trite i know. but, given that it's 3am and i'm in a literary funk, I'd say I'm letting it pass this time. now to get some sleep so that i don't sleep through work (again)


PS- SJC, RuthyG, Imac baby- omg I love you and am so excited for you all. Karen- thanks for my first crepes experience. Possibly the reason I'm still awake writing right now. Awesome!