conviction

So it's been a week here in the U.P.

The drive went smoothly on Saturday and I have been unpacking/filling out job applications this past week.

I think I've been delaying this post a bit because every time I get the urge to write something down, it's a complaint about something my stepbrothers did that irked me or some criticism of how things are run here.

But it seems this is only highlighting my own human failings- pride, selfishness, etc...

It's definitely strange moving from autonomy to dependence on others.

But on the other hand, I can't imagine it's easy on my stepbrothers or parents to have an additional person in the house. They're losing their guestroom, the boys have a girl in the house (who isn't their mother),

and it seems in this first week - that all decisions about who can have friends over- and when- and what constitutes 'behaving properly' fall to my final call.

That being said-- I think the challenge that has become clear to me in this past week is entirely about conviction. Not only in following my calling and vision for the future-- but in the everyday details.

How convicted am I about the 17-yr old drinking alcohol with his friends? In AA, it was clearly wrong. wrong enough that I avoided drinking around younger people. Here, it's socially quite common, if not expected and accepted. And honestly, if people are acting responsibly, I don't seem to have much of a problem with it.

But then again, no matter how responsible a person is (and I have to admit- it only takes one irresponsible person to cause major damage) a law is a law isn't it??

So how hard am I on this particular case? Because if he were to ask-- I'd say yes, my 21st bday was not the first time I tried alcohol. but no, I don't think he should be doing it.

It's a slippery slope-- I make personal choices-- do I impose them on others (who do not believe the same things I do?) Is following the letter of the law more important than building a trusting and open relationship with family members?

Though I've never been a go-with-the-flow kind of person, I've always tried to avoid making waves.

I think this is going to be one of those long term lessons-- holding to conviction and making it known.

Unpacking

So it's been nearly a week here in the U.P.

I'm still unpacking a bit-- mostly finding room for the random things at the moment. And realizing how many random 'things' there are.

It's interesting, going through the boxes and totes, to realize how much of the stuff I've been carrying with me are memorabilia from the past. (and how much of it is straight up junk)

My dad is selling his old house so all of the games and holiday decorations and pictures are now piled up in the basement storage.

Combine that with the inevitable edition of kids toys, photo albums, MORE decorations, and other childhood memories that will eventually be moved out of my stepdad's home (as he is now married and retired and the house is nearly out of space despite only two people living there) ....and I am beginning to see what a lifetime looks like by material standards.

But that isn't really what I meant to talk about.

Home at last-- Saturday evening :)














There (was) a bug on the wall. I tried to get a close up, but my camera skills are weaksauce. The weird bug was weird-- even in my stepmother had never seen it before. Sadly, weird bug is no more.


and on the subject of bugs-- I'm going to have to start wearing long pants (as opposed to skirts) for awhile. Perhaps the bugs don't recognize me as a local yet because they've turned the back of my legs into a snack bar. I think there are at least 10 bites on me at the moment-- in various stages of healing.

Cover Letter

Dear company/organization,

I saw your position posted online and think I would be the perfect employee.

Just trust me on this one. Or read my resume,

And call me for an interview.

seriously. just trust me,

Rachael

--------------
In my own very self-oriented way, I wish this cover letter would be enough.

But apparently I'm not the only person on the planet. Who knew?

a letter to a close friend

Hi Friend :) I originally intended this entry to be an email to a friend who is currently elsewhere. But I've been considering how best to share with everyone -with the limited time I've had-- about my decision process and why it is such a sudden decision.

I have shared with some about wanting to reconnect with my family, about preparing for grad school, about starting a new chapter in life, about finances and burdens and healing. All of these are true and pertinent. But I think there is something deeper connecting them all, and that's a little harder to share.

But I'm trying.
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Dear ----------------

It is August 18th. and my BABY sister is turning 21 on Saturday. Holy crap.

For me, summer has gone really quickly- with fulltime work through June, then home for a week in July, then Excel-- and suddenly it is August and I move out in 18 days!! (this is past tense... though grammatically i know i'm way off right now)

So it is the first week of August... and I am struggling because... it is the first week of August- or as my family knows it- the last week my mother was with us, back in 2008. Mostly I just mope around and feel bad for myself, though i have the forethought to email out a warning/prayer request to lg leaders and lcg...

wednesday and thursday are the worst as I remember the 'terminal delirium' days but Friday- August 6- is generally kinda ok...

I take the day off work and try to be productive, though as usual I mostly watch TV. There's a problem with my phone for some reason, so despite expecting to talk to a lot of family, it's generally pretty quiet (a blessing? possibly?)

I grab coffee with JK --mostly as a good excuse to get out of the house. At Starbucks, I share that despite reflecting on this anniversary, I am must disturbed by the uncertainty of the months ahead. Despite having a job in line (though different because of a change in supervisors), I have yet to sign a lease. And though I am not all that worried about my ability to find a place, even if it's with strangers, my mind just seems clouded somehow when I think about the future. [Does this happen to you? you know what's going to happen tomorrow, next week-- though the details are not clear, the image/outline is there...] There is no outline, not even paths to stare down and choose between. I have hit fog in my future and it worries me.

I put this thought aside the next day, as it is the day of THE event of the summer. Hair done- even used mousse and a blow dryer! Dress picked-out, nails painted- handbag packed- shoes... painful but adorable.

Congrats P.Pete and Gina!!

Let's dance the night away!

And then it's Sunday and P.Seth is back, and then it's Monday and HOLY CRAP I move out in one week, and then it's Tuesday morning and I am going to morning prayer because if I don't KC will be disappointed. But also, I am burdened to pray for this fog...

And I pray -- first praise God, then ask forgiveness, then request. then ask forgiveness for suddenness/urgency of request. (Lord, I'm sorry-- I know everything in You're timing-- but I need an answer yesterday...)

then... tears of course... and fear and confusion... and pushing through-- keep going, fight fatigue...

and then... suddenly everything is clear. It makes sense.

Go home, share with KC-- she goes through those heart check questions-- encourages: keep praying, keep options open.

Ok, I will give it one more day. Last Fopact lg of the summer tonight, share casually with some people, but not whole group-- remember I am keeping options open.

Wake up Wednesday AM- morning prayer... fail. Stay in bed and hit snooze. Each time waking up and praying/reflecting for a few minutes until I fall asleep again. Finally, awake-- I know I have to make this clear. On my knees like we teach children -- elbows on the bed and head bowed-- praying for the alternative. 'Lord, is this REALLY what you want? I'll do what You want, I just want to be sure.'

The answer is clear. Go Home. My heart is ... at ease. It is a strange feeling. I am... happy. and surprised at my happiness. And soo grateful.

but o dear, here is the snag-- I have to tell people, don't I? I can't disappear in the night, can't just pack up and leave tomorrow.

And the next week is suddenly here and gone.

And today is August 18th, and I have just moved out of my apartment on South Campus in Ann Arbor, MI.

And I have (or some male students have) moved my belongings into the home of a friend for the next three days as I finish the work week and await my father's arrival.

And I will be in the UP on Saturday. And I will stay there.
___________________