safe at home

Needtobreathe- "More Time"
Cause I need more time
Just a few more months and we’ll be fine
So say what’s on your mind
Cause I can’t figure out just what’s inside
So say alright
Cause I know we can make it if we try
Cause I need more time
Just a few more months and we’ll be fine

So yeah- closed off the Thanksgiving holiday by staying up too late watching Air Force One online- idk- I've always kinda liked Harrison Ford.

Tomorrow is sleeping in, eating leftovers, and then shopping in the afternoon (nothing big- need winter shoes!)

Last night, sitting at home alone while my sisters were out partying with friends, it was easy to feel those problem emotions and meditate on them. It was also easy to get bitter over them...

But then today, dancing around the kitchen with G and SJ as we prepared Thanksgiving dinner- I saw the flow of a life my mother built for the three of us. It was peaceful and familiar- even as I struggled to understand what my mother's recipe meant by 'the little container.' Each child stepped into that familiar role- but in a way expressing that 50% of our mother that lives in our DNA.

The youngest - destined for hospitality business- avoids the kitchen and cooking as much as possible- but busies herself with list making and organizing dishes, table set-up, polishing knives, moving chairs. She is the organizer my mother was- her invite lists and menus get paper-clipped to the menus of the past, and my mother's handwriting on the top of that pile is replaced with her daughter's.

The eldest - independent and absolutely sensible - takes over the turkey, answers the questions I throw at her, already knows the recipes- even though she has to take breaks to vomit as a result of excessive drinking the night before.

then myself- unsure still of where my purpose lies- dedicated to the details, attempting to be observant and prepared for people's needs. and when the stress level increases, i can feel that part of me that is her kicking in- confidence possibly? - telling myself to stop asking questions and just do it. trust your instincts.

But it's not quite the same is it? the youngest has a plan, but limited experience. The eldest is a leader, but not quite selfless. The author is confident on the outside and desperately trying to push down the obsessiveness and emotions that will slow her down.

We are not our mother. But together, we are 1.5 of her.

Our Thanksgiving dinner is not better than hers. The pain of loss might be forgotten temporarily in the work of preparation, but it is renewed in the faces of friends who are unsure of our present states. Though they are pleasant, they don't ask directly; it is in their eyes. Pain and worry. I cannot look at the woman who attempts a toast to my mother that ends in an awkward silence. I need to be able to smile and be pleasant. Answer questions about college. Make sure there are enough clean plates. Clear the table to make space for pie.

In a way, I am glad the holiday is at the beginning of break.

----

Being back here my first night, I got the distinct feeling that I was isolated from the world by immeasurable distance, and that I wouldn't return to my real life for a long time. In this feeling, I realized I would miss my life in Ann Arbor, but it wasn't that scary.

So I had a pretty good day. Even thought once or twice how good it might be to be back here longer.

In review- I'd say home is a dangerous trap. There is pain here... hiding under the guise of safety and comfort.

......

going home

almost time to go home for Thanksgiving. I have to say I'm really excited to be home with my sisters... but also apprehensive about being back in my mom's house. and cooking Thanksgiving dinner without my mom running the show is... weird. and really sad.

Beyond that, Friday night is dinner with my dad's family, so I'm not sure how that's going to go. Last year, we had lasagna then his wife (girlfriend at the time) went to a hockey game with my grandma and my dad (and us girls) watched her kids til it was time to go back to Mom's.

So I guess I'm not sure why I'm excited to go home at all. Maybe for the break from school? Not that it'd be all that different from just simply not going to classes... and really I've got to do more school work up there since I've got a paper due when we get back.

Maybe it'll just be good time to catch up with my sisters. And to start following through on some of my promises to stay focused on God and give Him glory in my life. and time to practice forgiveness towards my father.

In my head, I thought I was doing a better job with that- but then my sister shared something with me today. And yes, it was hilariously awkward. but in context of unforgiveness, it just exposed malice in my heart that I guess I had buried.

That's a weird feeling... malice towards another person. I realize that there are times I love my dad and enjoy the time I spend with him. and there are times when I feel like he is absolutely evil- without cause. The worst of it is recognizing that malice and not only justifying it, but embracing it.

ughhh... alright- this is too confusing to post all of it.

I start seeing a counselor tomorrow. Fun!

Happy Thanksgiving! hopefully the next post(s) will be a bit more cheery- i've got 2-3 saved ideas that only indirectly relate to me. Hopefully they'll get finished soon... kinda getting sick of the emo turn this blog is taking.

I told myself I wouldn't do any updating until my research papers were finished, especially considering they're due in 15 hours... but I'm taking a break and sick of looking at facebook (i also told myself I wouldn't be playing any computer games during my breaks, so that narrows the options a lot...)

I desperately need to do laundry. It's getting bad...

Also, I don't really know where I'm at emotionally speaking right now. I had a really nasty couple days last week, and spent most of the weekend being angry at everyone and everything. I have to say that anger is still hanging on a bit, but it's mixed with something between apathy and what I can only describe as concession...

it's a weird state. and doesn't make writing research papers all that easy... but at least I am not stressed out over the fact this might be the most b.s'd paper i've ever written.... because I really am only doing it to appease people. There is part of me that would like to see what would happen if I didn't write it all.... but that might just be laziness. or malicious intent to draw attention? i'm not a psychologist.

kk- back to paper. pretending i actually know anything about my family history....

Thanksgiving (with life group)

It's snowing! and... there are so many things I could be writing about, but it's cooking day and I'm unusually pumped. anyway- that's really all I have to say about that. more later.