safe at home

Needtobreathe- "More Time"
Cause I need more time
Just a few more months and we’ll be fine
So say what’s on your mind
Cause I can’t figure out just what’s inside
So say alright
Cause I know we can make it if we try
Cause I need more time
Just a few more months and we’ll be fine

So yeah- closed off the Thanksgiving holiday by staying up too late watching Air Force One online- idk- I've always kinda liked Harrison Ford.

Tomorrow is sleeping in, eating leftovers, and then shopping in the afternoon (nothing big- need winter shoes!)

Last night, sitting at home alone while my sisters were out partying with friends, it was easy to feel those problem emotions and meditate on them. It was also easy to get bitter over them...

But then today, dancing around the kitchen with G and SJ as we prepared Thanksgiving dinner- I saw the flow of a life my mother built for the three of us. It was peaceful and familiar- even as I struggled to understand what my mother's recipe meant by 'the little container.' Each child stepped into that familiar role- but in a way expressing that 50% of our mother that lives in our DNA.

The youngest - destined for hospitality business- avoids the kitchen and cooking as much as possible- but busies herself with list making and organizing dishes, table set-up, polishing knives, moving chairs. She is the organizer my mother was- her invite lists and menus get paper-clipped to the menus of the past, and my mother's handwriting on the top of that pile is replaced with her daughter's.

The eldest - independent and absolutely sensible - takes over the turkey, answers the questions I throw at her, already knows the recipes- even though she has to take breaks to vomit as a result of excessive drinking the night before.

then myself- unsure still of where my purpose lies- dedicated to the details, attempting to be observant and prepared for people's needs. and when the stress level increases, i can feel that part of me that is her kicking in- confidence possibly? - telling myself to stop asking questions and just do it. trust your instincts.

But it's not quite the same is it? the youngest has a plan, but limited experience. The eldest is a leader, but not quite selfless. The author is confident on the outside and desperately trying to push down the obsessiveness and emotions that will slow her down.

We are not our mother. But together, we are 1.5 of her.

Our Thanksgiving dinner is not better than hers. The pain of loss might be forgotten temporarily in the work of preparation, but it is renewed in the faces of friends who are unsure of our present states. Though they are pleasant, they don't ask directly; it is in their eyes. Pain and worry. I cannot look at the woman who attempts a toast to my mother that ends in an awkward silence. I need to be able to smile and be pleasant. Answer questions about college. Make sure there are enough clean plates. Clear the table to make space for pie.

In a way, I am glad the holiday is at the beginning of break.

----

Being back here my first night, I got the distinct feeling that I was isolated from the world by immeasurable distance, and that I wouldn't return to my real life for a long time. In this feeling, I realized I would miss my life in Ann Arbor, but it wasn't that scary.

So I had a pretty good day. Even thought once or twice how good it might be to be back here longer.

In review- I'd say home is a dangerous trap. There is pain here... hiding under the guise of safety and comfort.

......