the sun is rising -- maybe it's just a dark/brown/purple/red at the moment- but it's rising as i leave work.

btdubs-- i'm on 5 shifts this week. guess my title is actually 'full time baker.'

I can't complain b/c it's a full time job. But in reference to P. Andrew's sermon this past Sunday, definitely an interesting plot twist.

In honesty though-- I like it so far.

Estraaaada

I'm not a fan of burger king, but I like this ad a lot for some reason.

When I was younger... my little sister and I would rush to get ready in the morning so we could watch CHiPs reruns before school. Sick days= a FULL episode, plus sometimes the Adventures of Batman and Robin on FX. (we didn't watch a lot of tv as kids... but looking back... we had weird taste.)

On snow days we got to watch Murder She Wrote. Cuz it was on at noon- 2 episodes together with the sisters and mom- and usually hot chocolate :)

I don't know why I felt the need to share this.. but since I've been jobless, I've had a lot more time to watch tv- so maybe it's on my mind more.

Speaking of lately-- been watching a lot of Criminal Minds. Goood show.

and that's about the most exciting part of my day-> occasional Estrada sightings and marathons of crime dramas.

aka I need a job. If only for the sake of my eyesight.

I have been absent from this blog for almost three months-- through missions, home, countless emo days, and fun new adventures in single adult-ness and job searching.

I'll try not to go three more months without comment. :)

Mom- I never understood why you didn't like driving through car washes. I always thought it was the water jets.... (maybe it was?) But after my first time on my own... I'll just say I'm glad no one saw me pulling forward and backing up--- totally convinced I had broken the machine.

Lord- I am a sinner and You are perfect. And yet, I see how long this road is too humility before You. I told myself it was shameful to make up reasons I didn't have a job when I talked to my family; when I knew in my heart my answer was: I'm waiting for God's perfect timing. When He wants me to have a job, I'll have one.

And thank you Lord, that in the midst of a complaining heart, You used my sinful tongue to share that truth with the one person I think believes it the least. And you gave me an interview.

Whether or not I get the job, thank you for humility. And teaching me to take the bends and breaks as they come- not brake too early and never hit them.


From Focus discussion:

C.S. Lewis- from The Four Loves
"To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly be broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even to an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket-safe, dark, motionless, airless-it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. The alternative to tragedy, or at least to the risk of tragedy, is damnation. The only place outside Heaven where you can be perfectly safe from all the dangers and perturbations of love is Hell."

Jekyll and Hyde

I had this great post about jekyll and hyde and burnt toast. But then I decided it wasn't that great. And then I decided I was trying to avoid being honest. And then I decided I was just trying to get attention.

And then I decided I shouldn't make decisions.

It'd be so nice if I could update this with something holy or something encouraging or something at least thoughtful in some way.

But it's not, and since it's the first time I've felt like writing in a while, this is what it is.

This is why one should always start with a purpose in mind. If you lose track of the purpose, it eventually becomes a big fuddled mess of mostly people complaining.

meh.

everybody everybody

God is teaching me a lot about community this year.

I have two sisters, 5 stepsibs (+2 ex steps), 3 sets of grandparents, 20 aunts and uncles, ~12 great-aunts and uncles... and i don't know... 25 cousins? Maybe more counting Second cousins and my cousins children...

So I have a lot of family. I think the thing about family is... we see each other, love each other, care for each other out of a necessity- even though I love all of them, and some I am quite close to, the idea of being together begins with that animal survival instinct- kinship and all that...

Then there is life group. Ministry team.. missions team... the senior class...

Cohesion and love for each other is not organic. It's awkward...

But in times of crisis and struggle, the church community is strong only because the love they have for each other is built on that greater love God has for us.
In times of joy and celebration, who else do we turn to but those people who have seen us grow and mature on a level beyond blood ties and legal/official relationships?

I think I am learning more and more the joy of being in community with my sisters and brothers in Christ. It seems so trite...

but I guess it's something I am only learning to value as it is coming to an end (in some ways). And I think I've abandoned community sometimes in exchange for self-control and isolation...

It's funny how witnessing the power of those relationships is really what I need to bring me out of that alienation.

anyway.... supposed to be studying...

checking in

I feel like I haven't written in a long time... but it's alright. I'm learning to think [patiently] before writing, and I've found I have less to say when I let things simmer for a bit.

but yeah- March 1st. freakin weird.

I was really glad to have spring break to just chill and actually travel for once. Beyond that, though I think I was a bit of a slacker in keeping up with everything I said I would, I feel like a lot was revealed to me about myself. In terms of where I'm going with my life... still kind of wandering aimlessly, but I'm learning to enjoy the trip :)

anyway.. cheesy little entry, then back to attempting the reading assignments for classes. I sort of forgot (-_-*)I was still in school over break somehow... so I've got a bit of catch up to do before we dive into these last two months.

Missed Call?

Some people might think I'm being stubborn saying this, but I don't believe it's necessary that because I am in college, I have been 'called to be a student.'

Honestly, I see that as cultural expectations working their way into a religious context, and that really bothers me.

Not to say that there aren't people who are called to be students. Or that studying isn't an important part of our lives.

Especially in a time when workplace ministry is becoming more and more important, I see a solid education as a useful tool. For me, it has always been a means to an end, not the goal I am striving for.

Take, for example, my admission into UM. I never said- HEY! Now that I'm going to a great university, I'm going to study so much harder to be the best student I can be. No. I thought- this will look great on a resume.

And as much as UM had been my number one, top choice, DREAM SCHOOL- it wasn't for the books, but for the opportunity it offered. And looking back, my presence here in Ann Arbor has been less useful in training me to study and focus than it has in exposing me to the world and showing me how much God is working in my life.

So, just because I say I'm not called to be a student doesn't mean I am going to blow off the work and sleep through classes (my reasons for doing that are entirely different)

It does mean however that whether I have a 4.0 or a 2.9 in less important to me than having time to spend with other people in my life.

It means I will focus better on my studies when I have a clearer idea of WHY I am studying these things.

I worry that people take that phrase- 'being called' too lightly when it comes to studies. Being called to education or engineering or business or religious work are all things we pray through and reflect on... But being called to be a good student is something we're supposed to just accept?
Maybe the problem is that we are taking these studies for granted in the first place. There are plenty of people on this planet who have thrived with out their BA or BS or PhD.

Are we really called? Or is it what is expected of us?

I am not a robot.

in which Rachael waxes philosophical on Obedience. (from an earlier journal entry...)

In prayer, I ask God: "use me, make me, teach me, help me..." I ask for guidance, direction, vision...
But I ask without faith. Why??

Because my soul desires separation from the earthly plane? it prays: "God, take away the burden of will, of consciousness, of thought."

"take away this humanity"

I've been struggling with this inconsistency... Why do I need to be obedient? Why is compliance necessary for healthy growth? Shouldn't that be coming naturally with an all-powerful God?
NO (unfortunately)

What is humanity without the ability to make a choice? Doesn't thought and will separate us from animals?

God made us in His own image- an image of a being that would gladly follow Him. God made a good place of this earth and built us as its caretakers.

Did sin enter in as a flaw? a loophole?

It cannot be that a perfect being, THE Perfect Being, created an imperfect thing.

So sin was purposeful? (It does work well as a plot twist)

Could it be that God let that snake whisper to Eve, knowing the evil that would taint the entire world, because in order to be glorified, we'd have to see what is worse to understand what is greater?

My head tells me that is a pretty cruel trick on the world.
My flesh tells me this "God" is just one big Machiavelli.

My faith tells me anthropomorphism isn't really applicable to our Heavenly Father.
Beyond that- who am I to decide what I deserve?
Am I pure and perfect, somehow able (on my own) to avoid being tainted by sin?
Am I God?

Of course not.

But I am not a robot either. I can't give up my humanity when I decide to follow God.

It is always there- haunting me.

There's that phrase; "allowing God to work." I never understood it.

But it has nothing to with limits on God's power, does it?

It is entirely about the far-reach of my weakness.

So the real question is not "Why do I need to be obedient" but "Is my faith so weak that I cannot/do not respond in obedience?"

something to think about....

This has been bothering me for forever!! verses 5-7 keep popping into my head, but I couldn't remember where they were from.... never occured to me to check Biblegateway :-\

interesting this passage is about One's calling... no wonder it's been bothering me.

2 Peter 1: 3-11 (NIV)

Making One's Calling and Election Sure

3His divine power has given us everything we need for life and godliness through our knowledge of him who called us by his own glory and goodness. 4Through these he has given us his very great and precious promises, so that through them you may participate in the divine nature and escape the corruption in the world caused by evil desires.

5For this very reason, make every effort to add to your faith goodness; and to goodness, knowledge; 6and to knowledge, self-control; and to self-control, perseverance; and to perseverance, godliness; 7and to godliness, brotherly kindness; and to brotherly kindness, love. 8For if you possess these qualities in increasing measure, they will keep you from being ineffective and unproductive in your knowledge of our Lord Jesus Christ. 9But if anyone does not have them, he is nearsighted and blind, and has forgotten that he has been cleansed from his past sins.

10Therefore, my brothers, be all the more eager to make your calling and election sure. For if you do these things, you will never fall, 11and you will receive a rich welcome into the eternal kingdom of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ.

It's been almost a month since I wrote anything down here, though I think I've started to write something at least 4 times and never quite seem to finish...

Easily distracted? possibly.

Mostly it's because finishing a thought requires more than shallow reflection.

anyway... saying that, I don't really feel like finishing this one... more later.