a letter to a close friend

Hi Friend :) I originally intended this entry to be an email to a friend who is currently elsewhere. But I've been considering how best to share with everyone -with the limited time I've had-- about my decision process and why it is such a sudden decision.

I have shared with some about wanting to reconnect with my family, about preparing for grad school, about starting a new chapter in life, about finances and burdens and healing. All of these are true and pertinent. But I think there is something deeper connecting them all, and that's a little harder to share.

But I'm trying.
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Dear ----------------

It is August 18th. and my BABY sister is turning 21 on Saturday. Holy crap.

For me, summer has gone really quickly- with fulltime work through June, then home for a week in July, then Excel-- and suddenly it is August and I move out in 18 days!! (this is past tense... though grammatically i know i'm way off right now)

So it is the first week of August... and I am struggling because... it is the first week of August- or as my family knows it- the last week my mother was with us, back in 2008. Mostly I just mope around and feel bad for myself, though i have the forethought to email out a warning/prayer request to lg leaders and lcg...

wednesday and thursday are the worst as I remember the 'terminal delirium' days but Friday- August 6- is generally kinda ok...

I take the day off work and try to be productive, though as usual I mostly watch TV. There's a problem with my phone for some reason, so despite expecting to talk to a lot of family, it's generally pretty quiet (a blessing? possibly?)

I grab coffee with JK --mostly as a good excuse to get out of the house. At Starbucks, I share that despite reflecting on this anniversary, I am must disturbed by the uncertainty of the months ahead. Despite having a job in line (though different because of a change in supervisors), I have yet to sign a lease. And though I am not all that worried about my ability to find a place, even if it's with strangers, my mind just seems clouded somehow when I think about the future. [Does this happen to you? you know what's going to happen tomorrow, next week-- though the details are not clear, the image/outline is there...] There is no outline, not even paths to stare down and choose between. I have hit fog in my future and it worries me.

I put this thought aside the next day, as it is the day of THE event of the summer. Hair done- even used mousse and a blow dryer! Dress picked-out, nails painted- handbag packed- shoes... painful but adorable.

Congrats P.Pete and Gina!!

Let's dance the night away!

And then it's Sunday and P.Seth is back, and then it's Monday and HOLY CRAP I move out in one week, and then it's Tuesday morning and I am going to morning prayer because if I don't KC will be disappointed. But also, I am burdened to pray for this fog...

And I pray -- first praise God, then ask forgiveness, then request. then ask forgiveness for suddenness/urgency of request. (Lord, I'm sorry-- I know everything in You're timing-- but I need an answer yesterday...)

then... tears of course... and fear and confusion... and pushing through-- keep going, fight fatigue...

and then... suddenly everything is clear. It makes sense.

Go home, share with KC-- she goes through those heart check questions-- encourages: keep praying, keep options open.

Ok, I will give it one more day. Last Fopact lg of the summer tonight, share casually with some people, but not whole group-- remember I am keeping options open.

Wake up Wednesday AM- morning prayer... fail. Stay in bed and hit snooze. Each time waking up and praying/reflecting for a few minutes until I fall asleep again. Finally, awake-- I know I have to make this clear. On my knees like we teach children -- elbows on the bed and head bowed-- praying for the alternative. 'Lord, is this REALLY what you want? I'll do what You want, I just want to be sure.'

The answer is clear. Go Home. My heart is ... at ease. It is a strange feeling. I am... happy. and surprised at my happiness. And soo grateful.

but o dear, here is the snag-- I have to tell people, don't I? I can't disappear in the night, can't just pack up and leave tomorrow.

And the next week is suddenly here and gone.

And today is August 18th, and I have just moved out of my apartment on South Campus in Ann Arbor, MI.

And I have (or some male students have) moved my belongings into the home of a friend for the next three days as I finish the work week and await my father's arrival.

And I will be in the UP on Saturday. And I will stay there.
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