http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tw1xgeM3Rb4&NR=1
i haven't seen this show in years.. .but i was reminded of this scene today..
Thursday, October 30, 2008
Wednesday, October 29, 2008
Matthew 24:42-44, 26:40-41, Luke 21:36
So this is what happens:
I had a pretty good/normal day yesterday. I was on task- I got stuff done that I needed to do- I went to classes with only the average amount of "I don't want to be here" attitude- I was prepared and attentive, even in my boring lecture. I was able to entertain myself without wondering what other people were doing or desiring the presence of another person. I went to chapel, I did some Seriously heavy journaling (which I almost shared here and decided against doing)..... It was a good day. And in reflecting on this after i returned home in the evening, I realized this made me.. nervous.
Nervous because I might be recovering? maybe a little.
nervous because ...
{sidebar for a moment: I had this discussion with someone earlier, and came to a different conclusion than the one I am about to expand on. I think I was being stubborn in our conversation. Thinking through what I said- it's not quite on par.}
I think I realize I was nervous because God was working. So whether it was my mind or the devil or what have you, my self responded to a good day with laziness and zero productivity. I was energized arriving home, i made lists of to-do for the evening, had books lined up for study time.. did the dishes. and then I sat down and saw that I was doing what I was supposed to be doing and something stopped working, and then I was off task again.
and I woke up regretting that, again, and even if today is a new day- the guilt of a wasted evening is haunting my free time.
So what does this say about God? I think one thing it speaks to is that everything is a process. And it's not a process because God likes moving slowly or can't just *poof* fix everything by waving a wand. Because He can, and I think He does. But I think our selves/minds/bodies/hearts aren't prepared for that kind of change.
Even before this semester, prayers for humility, I think, were answered with struggles that build and build because I'm not properly humbled to deal with them individually... so stuff piles up until I break under the weight.
And like any process of healing, you can only really get 100% when you wait patiently, stick to the prescription diligently, take good care of yourself- and keep it up even when you're feeling better, so that you don't fall sick again.
I think that's my guilt for the day. Not that I was feeling better- but that I feel easily into bad habits when I knew the difficult emotions weren't immediately present.
Constant Vigilance! no joke- it's really important.
it reminds me of this scene from Dr. Who (i'm a nerd at times- ok?) This episode was about these aliens who, if you looked at them- turned to stone. But when you couldn't see them- they would attempt to kill you. and they were wicked fast. S0 you had to keep staring .... because every blink brought them a little closer.
That's my life metaphor for the day. Back to studying.
I had a pretty good/normal day yesterday. I was on task- I got stuff done that I needed to do- I went to classes with only the average amount of "I don't want to be here" attitude- I was prepared and attentive, even in my boring lecture. I was able to entertain myself without wondering what other people were doing or desiring the presence of another person. I went to chapel, I did some Seriously heavy journaling (which I almost shared here and decided against doing)..... It was a good day. And in reflecting on this after i returned home in the evening, I realized this made me.. nervous.
Nervous because I might be recovering? maybe a little.
nervous because ...
{sidebar for a moment: I had this discussion with someone earlier, and came to a different conclusion than the one I am about to expand on. I think I was being stubborn in our conversation. Thinking through what I said- it's not quite on par.}
I think I realize I was nervous because God was working. So whether it was my mind or the devil or what have you, my self responded to a good day with laziness and zero productivity. I was energized arriving home, i made lists of to-do for the evening, had books lined up for study time.. did the dishes. and then I sat down and saw that I was doing what I was supposed to be doing and something stopped working, and then I was off task again.
and I woke up regretting that, again, and even if today is a new day- the guilt of a wasted evening is haunting my free time.
So what does this say about God? I think one thing it speaks to is that everything is a process. And it's not a process because God likes moving slowly or can't just *poof* fix everything by waving a wand. Because He can, and I think He does. But I think our selves/minds/bodies/hearts aren't prepared for that kind of change.
Even before this semester, prayers for humility, I think, were answered with struggles that build and build because I'm not properly humbled to deal with them individually... so stuff piles up until I break under the weight.
And like any process of healing, you can only really get 100% when you wait patiently, stick to the prescription diligently, take good care of yourself- and keep it up even when you're feeling better, so that you don't fall sick again.
I think that's my guilt for the day. Not that I was feeling better- but that I feel easily into bad habits when I knew the difficult emotions weren't immediately present.
Constant Vigilance! no joke- it's really important.
it reminds me of this scene from Dr. Who (i'm a nerd at times- ok?) This episode was about these aliens who, if you looked at them- turned to stone. But when you couldn't see them- they would attempt to kill you. and they were wicked fast. S0 you had to keep staring .... because every blink brought them a little closer.
That's my life metaphor for the day. Back to studying.
Monday, October 27, 2008
Control switch.
i'm taking a break from studying for my 4oclock midterm to give a commentary on yesterday's entry.
Someone said something once about the devil's greatest trick was convincing us he didn't exist.
For me I think it's been convincing me that he does exist.
I think the trick comes in then, that it's not my problem/fault when I'm depressed and feel like I can't do anything. and YES - it isn't my fault. I do have some level of self-worth still.
BUT- when it seems like I can't do anything to get myself out of depression and feel like I just want to sit around and mope, feeling sorry for myself and such- then it becomes my problem. Because I KNOW the truth that God gave us- that He can overcome anything and that life is not in my control, but refusing to trust it gives the devil a new foothold in my life.
In my blindness, allowing myself to be convinced that there was nothing left I could do has been my greatest defeat.
And if I can learn to turn that defeat over to God along with the rest of this broken life, it will be raised as my greatest victory over desire for self-control.
so yesterday I was sad. This morning I barely made it to work- I kept looking for excuses not to go but didn't want to lie. Now, I'm just angry. at demons that can deceive and trick me, at myself for being blind enough to be deceived, and still a little at God for allowing deception. (I'm not perfect, okay?)
fueling my study time with rage and an empty stomach. My academic advisor is not going to be pleased when I see her this afternoon.
Someone said something once about the devil's greatest trick was convincing us he didn't exist.
For me I think it's been convincing me that he does exist.
I think the trick comes in then, that it's not my problem/fault when I'm depressed and feel like I can't do anything. and YES - it isn't my fault. I do have some level of self-worth still.
BUT- when it seems like I can't do anything to get myself out of depression and feel like I just want to sit around and mope, feeling sorry for myself and such- then it becomes my problem. Because I KNOW the truth that God gave us- that He can overcome anything and that life is not in my control, but refusing to trust it gives the devil a new foothold in my life.
In my blindness, allowing myself to be convinced that there was nothing left I could do has been my greatest defeat.
And if I can learn to turn that defeat over to God along with the rest of this broken life, it will be raised as my greatest victory over desire for self-control.
so yesterday I was sad. This morning I barely made it to work- I kept looking for excuses not to go but didn't want to lie. Now, I'm just angry. at demons that can deceive and trick me, at myself for being blind enough to be deceived, and still a little at God for allowing deception. (I'm not perfect, okay?)
fueling my study time with rage and an empty stomach. My academic advisor is not going to be pleased when I see her this afternoon.
Sunday, October 26, 2008
.....
so yeah, i suppose it's about time I opened up a bit more about what's going in life...
I'm trying to read through the Old Testament right now, and today I came across this passage:
Deuteronomy 20:1-4
1 When you go to war against your enemies and see horses and chariots and an army greater than yours, do not be afraid of them, because the LORD your God, who brought you up out of Egypt, will be with you. 2 When you are about to go into battle, the priest shall come forward and address the army. 3 He shall say: "Hear, O Israel, today you are going into battle against your enemies. Do not be fainthearted or afraid; do not be terrified or give way to panic before them. 4 For the LORD your God is the one who goes with you to fight for you against your enemies to give you victory."
Maybe it's because battle's been on my mind a lot lately.. but I found some comfort in this passage. Since, in a way, we are living in exodus from our home in Heaven, it's nice to know God is still watching over us and fighting for us.
I say all that to pre-empt my personal update because no matter how much I am reminded of this, it doesn't keep me from wasting my day lying on the living room floor being miserable instead of studying.
I've gone through the checklist with at least three people now... it seems as though I might be depressed.
Getting out of bed can be the most difficult part of my day some mornings. I go through classes feeling like I'm two seconds from crying... I don't care anymore about studying or school or the future, because even if I continue making my self attend classes and do the work, I am convinced I am not going to amount to anything in the world.
A really difficult part I think is the isolation... because in this kind of state, all I want is to have another person present, whether or not we talk... but the guilt of distracting someone or having someone take time out of their own schedule is strong enough to keep me from saying so. And part of me doesn't want anyone around at times- because I get so irritated that no one understands, or jealous of the easy lives other people have...
whether or not depression is real, I know my self-focused life is slowly eating away at my faith, and that's just scary. the things that enter my mind, even when I know they're irrational or that I don't believe them....
that's where i'm at. I feel like I'm battling an unending army by myself. Like I'm crawling through the Sahara desert. like... i'm hollow, fragile, porcelain- and sooo tired.
so yeah, i suppose it's about time I opened up a bit more about what's going in life...
I'm trying to read through the Old Testament right now, and today I came across this passage:
Deuteronomy 20:1-4
1 When you go to war against your enemies and see horses and chariots and an army greater than yours, do not be afraid of them, because the LORD your God, who brought you up out of Egypt, will be with you. 2 When you are about to go into battle, the priest shall come forward and address the army. 3 He shall say: "Hear, O Israel, today you are going into battle against your enemies. Do not be fainthearted or afraid; do not be terrified or give way to panic before them. 4 For the LORD your God is the one who goes with you to fight for you against your enemies to give you victory."
Maybe it's because battle's been on my mind a lot lately.. but I found some comfort in this passage. Since, in a way, we are living in exodus from our home in Heaven, it's nice to know God is still watching over us and fighting for us.
I say all that to pre-empt my personal update because no matter how much I am reminded of this, it doesn't keep me from wasting my day lying on the living room floor being miserable instead of studying.
I've gone through the checklist with at least three people now... it seems as though I might be depressed.
Getting out of bed can be the most difficult part of my day some mornings. I go through classes feeling like I'm two seconds from crying... I don't care anymore about studying or school or the future, because even if I continue making my self attend classes and do the work, I am convinced I am not going to amount to anything in the world.
A really difficult part I think is the isolation... because in this kind of state, all I want is to have another person present, whether or not we talk... but the guilt of distracting someone or having someone take time out of their own schedule is strong enough to keep me from saying so. And part of me doesn't want anyone around at times- because I get so irritated that no one understands, or jealous of the easy lives other people have...
whether or not depression is real, I know my self-focused life is slowly eating away at my faith, and that's just scary. the things that enter my mind, even when I know they're irrational or that I don't believe them....
that's where i'm at. I feel like I'm battling an unending army by myself. Like I'm crawling through the Sahara desert. like... i'm hollow, fragile, porcelain- and sooo tired.
Monday, October 13, 2008
4 goodness sake.
It's OCTOBER.
weekly schedule:
this week- soc exam
next week- different soc exam
then- different different soc exam
November- break with only minor presentation in class i don't go to that often...
2nd week of Nov- Quiz, Project, soc exam
Research paper #1 due
Thanksgiving (at the moment- plan to feed 20... but who knows)
Dec week 1- Research paper #2 due, soc paper #3
Quiz/Soc Final
2 Soc Finals
sleep/Christmas...
2009.
I think recently I'm realizing that I'm a little stressed. I don't really know why......
It's likely the above schedule, added to the fact that 2009 is supposed to be grad year, added to the fact that the g-rents are expecting excellence, and the family expects I'll go on and DO something with the rest of my life.
i think it's the having to do something when i'm done with all this that freaks me out the most. SOO much work for a piece of paper that says I'm qualified to find a job. and I really would like to continue on to grad school, but the preparation to apply to get in is almost a semester's work in itself it seems like...
that was a really convulted sentence.
Point of all this: I'm stressed. and busy. yet still find time to watch tv. and not enough time to study the Bible. (you know it actually crossed my mind that LIFE group was becoming more of a hassle than necessary....)
Solution: make a decision. I'm definite that giving up on ministry teams or LIFE group or prayer is not part of that decision. But I know there is something in my life that's going to have to fall away. Maybe it's my job, maybe it'll be pride... maybe I'll invest heavily in energy drinks.
I'll find out... eventually. That's the beauty of God's plan.
weekly schedule:
this week- soc exam
next week- different soc exam
then- different different soc exam
November- break with only minor presentation in class i don't go to that often...
2nd week of Nov- Quiz, Project, soc exam
Research paper #1 due
Thanksgiving (at the moment- plan to feed 20... but who knows)
Dec week 1- Research paper #2 due, soc paper #3
Quiz/Soc Final
2 Soc Finals
sleep/Christmas...
2009.
I think recently I'm realizing that I'm a little stressed. I don't really know why......
It's likely the above schedule, added to the fact that 2009 is supposed to be grad year, added to the fact that the g-rents are expecting excellence, and the family expects I'll go on and DO something with the rest of my life.
i think it's the having to do something when i'm done with all this that freaks me out the most. SOO much work for a piece of paper that says I'm qualified to find a job. and I really would like to continue on to grad school, but the preparation to apply to get in is almost a semester's work in itself it seems like...
that was a really convulted sentence.
Point of all this: I'm stressed. and busy. yet still find time to watch tv. and not enough time to study the Bible. (you know it actually crossed my mind that LIFE group was becoming more of a hassle than necessary....)
Solution: make a decision. I'm definite that giving up on ministry teams or LIFE group or prayer is not part of that decision. But I know there is something in my life that's going to have to fall away. Maybe it's my job, maybe it'll be pride... maybe I'll invest heavily in energy drinks.
I'll find out... eventually. That's the beauty of God's plan.
Friday, October 3, 2008
3... am (not too creative on that one....so just deal.)
What's the best thing to do at 3am? sleep? nah...
watch tv? not after three hours of that....
blog? o there we go!
I told someone earlier today I was thinking about abandoning this blog for straight up journaling more often. But rethinking that plan. Still keeping up with the journaling, just separate topics I guess.
I've been thinking a lot about the 5 senses lately.
The other day I was walking home late at night, and my ipod battery was dead, so I didn't have my headphones on... and it occurred to me: I feel less safe with the headphones off.
How does that make sense? rationally speaking, one would say I am safer when I am aware of my surroundings and alert to any dangers.... But emotionally- I feel a lot safer shutting out danger by simply drowning it out. The sounds of the world- even in the quiet and silence of a neighborhood at evening, can be deafening. Sometimes I think it's because they allow so much space for internal reflection... there is no distraction to keep me focused on something besides my own self. I need that music sometimes just to complete a thought without six more arising.
Then, today at prayer- I started to think about sight. How, in life, I have this urge to be seen- to be known. But not to be judged. Seen and appreciated, but never critized. psychologically speaking, I'd say it comes from the assumption that I have thus far lived an 'invisible' life. No interesting stories of upbringing, no tales of misadventures, and no great relationships in which I can identify my role. I think another thing that's had me thinking about this is LIFEgroup this week- we read through the Father's Love Letter and these verses really stuck with me; Psalm 139:2-3
What about the other senses? Touch, taste, smell...
I'm going to make this easy and say I don't have much to say about smell at the moment. The Transformation Center finally doesn't smell like paint anymore, but with the fall air being so brisk and clean- everytime I pass a smoker I get a little nauseous and it throws me off balance. As cold as it can be right now, the air is so much cleaner when it smells like leaves and wind and rain with that faint hint of snow coming soon.
Touch... I didn't think I had anything to say about touch.... but I guess I do.
People at church like hugging me. I don't know if they're just friendly people, or maybe a lot of friends show love physically.. .but I feel like an unusually high percentage of people I know will 1)hug me on a regular basis
or
2)lean on me for no reason
Not to say that I don't actually like this. To be perfectly honest, I find it remarkably comforting. and legitimately, I don't mind returning the sentiment. Maybe I just find it surprising coming from my particular background. But sometimes I feel like a teddy bear at church.
I guess the point of all that would be seeing how even as we are all seeking growth in our spiritual, inward lives- our external selves are exposed and broken right along with the insides. I think in our vulnerability- even as we lean on God for strength and guidance- it is nice to have sisters around to lean on when we just need to show and be shown some love.
As for taste, I think I take it for granted. Sometimes eating is just out of necessity, other times it's a sidebar to fellowship or 'meeting up' - but I think, like much in my life, I don't realize how fortunate I am to even be surrounded by so many restaurants and varieties of people that I can go weeks without repeating a restaurant, and choice of dining can be made by the most recent whim or craving.
And as long as I'm going in this direction, let's get tangential for a second and talk about Spiritual taste:
John 6:32-35
32Jesus said to them, "I tell you the truth, it is not Moses who has given you the bread from heaven, but it is my Father who gives you the true bread from heaven. 33For the bread of God is he who comes down from heaven and gives life to the world." 34"Sir," they said, "from now on give us this bread." 35Then Jesus declared, "I am the bread of life. He who comes to me will never go hungry, and he who believes in me will never be thirsty.
Speaking in the spiritual sense- The Bread of Life must taste gooooood. Seriously, Christ satisfies the most basic desires of our souls - just as food satisfies our bodies' basic need for nourishment; but do I ever think about how that tastes? or do I just gulp it down- rush through that meal so I can move on to something better...
because there is really nothing better.
watch tv? not after three hours of that....
blog? o there we go!
I told someone earlier today I was thinking about abandoning this blog for straight up journaling more often. But rethinking that plan. Still keeping up with the journaling, just separate topics I guess.
I've been thinking a lot about the 5 senses lately.
The other day I was walking home late at night, and my ipod battery was dead, so I didn't have my headphones on... and it occurred to me: I feel less safe with the headphones off.
How does that make sense? rationally speaking, one would say I am safer when I am aware of my surroundings and alert to any dangers.... But emotionally- I feel a lot safer shutting out danger by simply drowning it out. The sounds of the world- even in the quiet and silence of a neighborhood at evening, can be deafening. Sometimes I think it's because they allow so much space for internal reflection... there is no distraction to keep me focused on something besides my own self. I need that music sometimes just to complete a thought without six more arising.
Then, today at prayer- I started to think about sight. How, in life, I have this urge to be seen- to be known. But not to be judged. Seen and appreciated, but never critized. psychologically speaking, I'd say it comes from the assumption that I have thus far lived an 'invisible' life. No interesting stories of upbringing, no tales of misadventures, and no great relationships in which I can identify my role. I think another thing that's had me thinking about this is LIFEgroup this week- we read through the Father's Love Letter and these verses really stuck with me; Psalm 139:2-3
You know when I sit and when I rise;
you perceive my thoughts from afar.
You discern my going out and my lying down;
you are familiar with all my ways.
What about the other senses? Touch, taste, smell...
I'm going to make this easy and say I don't have much to say about smell at the moment. The Transformation Center finally doesn't smell like paint anymore, but with the fall air being so brisk and clean- everytime I pass a smoker I get a little nauseous and it throws me off balance. As cold as it can be right now, the air is so much cleaner when it smells like leaves and wind and rain with that faint hint of snow coming soon.
Touch... I didn't think I had anything to say about touch.... but I guess I do.
People at church like hugging me. I don't know if they're just friendly people, or maybe a lot of friends show love physically.. .but I feel like an unusually high percentage of people I know will 1)hug me on a regular basis
or
2)lean on me for no reason
Not to say that I don't actually like this. To be perfectly honest, I find it remarkably comforting. and legitimately, I don't mind returning the sentiment. Maybe I just find it surprising coming from my particular background. But sometimes I feel like a teddy bear at church.
I guess the point of all that would be seeing how even as we are all seeking growth in our spiritual, inward lives- our external selves are exposed and broken right along with the insides. I think in our vulnerability- even as we lean on God for strength and guidance- it is nice to have sisters around to lean on when we just need to show and be shown some love.
As for taste, I think I take it for granted. Sometimes eating is just out of necessity, other times it's a sidebar to fellowship or 'meeting up' - but I think, like much in my life, I don't realize how fortunate I am to even be surrounded by so many restaurants and varieties of people that I can go weeks without repeating a restaurant, and choice of dining can be made by the most recent whim or craving.
And as long as I'm going in this direction, let's get tangential for a second and talk about Spiritual taste:
John 6:32-35
32Jesus said to them, "I tell you the truth, it is not Moses who has given you the bread from heaven, but it is my Father who gives you the true bread from heaven. 33For the bread of God is he who comes down from heaven and gives life to the world." 34"Sir," they said, "from now on give us this bread." 35Then Jesus declared, "I am the bread of life. He who comes to me will never go hungry, and he who believes in me will never be thirsty.
Speaking in the spiritual sense- The Bread of Life must taste gooooood. Seriously, Christ satisfies the most basic desires of our souls - just as food satisfies our bodies' basic need for nourishment; but do I ever think about how that tastes? or do I just gulp it down- rush through that meal so I can move on to something better...
because there is really nothing better.
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