3... am (not too creative on that one....so just deal.)

What's the best thing to do at 3am? sleep? nah...

watch tv? not after three hours of that....

blog? o there we go!

I told someone earlier today I was thinking about abandoning this blog for straight up journaling more often. But rethinking that plan. Still keeping up with the journaling, just separate topics I guess.

I've been thinking a lot about the 5 senses lately.

The other day I was walking home late at night, and my ipod battery was dead, so I didn't have my headphones on... and it occurred to me: I feel less safe with the headphones off.
How does that make sense? rationally speaking, one would say I am safer when I am aware of my surroundings and alert to any dangers.... But emotionally- I feel a lot safer shutting out danger by simply drowning it out. The sounds of the world- even in the quiet and silence of a neighborhood at evening, can be deafening. Sometimes I think it's because they allow so much space for internal reflection... there is no distraction to keep me focused on something besides my own self. I need that music sometimes just to complete a thought without six more arising.

Then, today at prayer- I started to think about sight. How, in life, I have this urge to be seen- to be known. But not to be judged. Seen and appreciated, but never critized. psychologically speaking, I'd say it comes from the assumption that I have thus far lived an 'invisible' life. No interesting stories of upbringing, no tales of misadventures, and no great relationships in which I can identify my role. I think another thing that's had me thinking about this is LIFEgroup this week- we read through the Father's Love Letter and these verses really stuck with me; Psalm 139:2-3

You know when I sit and when I rise;
you perceive my thoughts from afar.

You discern my going out and my lying down;
you are familiar with all my ways.

Even in invisibility- God always SEES. always hears as well... even in my deafness He is listening and guarding me.

What about the other senses? Touch, taste, smell...

I'm going to make this easy and say I don't have much to say about smell at the moment. The Transformation Center finally doesn't smell like paint anymore, but with the fall air being so brisk and clean- everytime I pass a smoker I get a little nauseous and it throws me off balance. As cold as it can be right now, the air is so much cleaner when it smells like leaves and wind and rain with that faint hint of snow coming soon.

Touch... I didn't think I had anything to say about touch.... but I guess I do.
People at church like hugging me. I don't know if they're just friendly people, or maybe a lot of friends show love physically.. .but I feel like an unusually high percentage of people I know will 1)hug me on a regular basis
or
2)lean on me for no reason
Not to say that I don't actually like this. To be perfectly honest, I find it remarkably comforting. and legitimately, I don't mind returning the sentiment. Maybe I just find it surprising coming from my particular background. But sometimes I feel like a teddy bear at church.

I guess the point of all that would be seeing how even as we are all seeking growth in our spiritual, inward lives- our external selves are exposed and broken right along with the insides. I think in our vulnerability- even as we lean on God for strength and guidance- it is nice to have sisters around to lean on when we just need to show and be shown some love.

As for taste, I think I take it for granted. Sometimes eating is just out of necessity, other times it's a sidebar to fellowship or 'meeting up' - but I think, like much in my life, I don't realize how fortunate I am to even be surrounded by so many restaurants and varieties of people that I can go weeks without repeating a restaurant, and choice of dining can be made by the most recent whim or craving.
And as long as I'm going in this direction, let's get tangential for a second and talk about Spiritual taste:

John 6:32-35
32Jesus said to them, "I tell you the truth, it is not Moses who has given you the bread from heaven, but it is my Father who gives you the true bread from heaven. 33For the bread of God is he who comes down from heaven and gives life to the world." 34"Sir," they said, "from now on give us this bread." 35Then Jesus declared, "I am the bread of life. He who comes to me will never go hungry, and he who believes in me will never be thirsty.

Speaking in the spiritual sense- The Bread of Life must taste gooooood. Seriously, Christ satisfies the most basic desires of our souls - just as food satisfies our bodies' basic need for nourishment; but do I ever think about how that tastes? or do I just gulp it down- rush through that meal so I can move on to something better...

because there is really nothing better.