So this is what happens:
I had a pretty good/normal day yesterday. I was on task- I got stuff done that I needed to do- I went to classes with only the average amount of "I don't want to be here" attitude- I was prepared and attentive, even in my boring lecture. I was able to entertain myself without wondering what other people were doing or desiring the presence of another person. I went to chapel, I did some Seriously heavy journaling (which I almost shared here and decided against doing)..... It was a good day. And in reflecting on this after i returned home in the evening, I realized this made me.. nervous.
Nervous because I might be recovering? maybe a little.
nervous because ...
{sidebar for a moment: I had this discussion with someone earlier, and came to a different conclusion than the one I am about to expand on. I think I was being stubborn in our conversation. Thinking through what I said- it's not quite on par.}
I think I realize I was nervous because God was working. So whether it was my mind or the devil or what have you, my self responded to a good day with laziness and zero productivity. I was energized arriving home, i made lists of to-do for the evening, had books lined up for study time.. did the dishes. and then I sat down and saw that I was doing what I was supposed to be doing and something stopped working, and then I was off task again.
and I woke up regretting that, again, and even if today is a new day- the guilt of a wasted evening is haunting my free time.
So what does this say about God? I think one thing it speaks to is that everything is a process. And it's not a process because God likes moving slowly or can't just *poof* fix everything by waving a wand. Because He can, and I think He does. But I think our selves/minds/bodies/hearts aren't prepared for that kind of change.
Even before this semester, prayers for humility, I think, were answered with struggles that build and build because I'm not properly humbled to deal with them individually... so stuff piles up until I break under the weight.
And like any process of healing, you can only really get 100% when you wait patiently, stick to the prescription diligently, take good care of yourself- and keep it up even when you're feeling better, so that you don't fall sick again.
I think that's my guilt for the day. Not that I was feeling better- but that I feel easily into bad habits when I knew the difficult emotions weren't immediately present.
Constant Vigilance! no joke- it's really important.
it reminds me of this scene from Dr. Who (i'm a nerd at times- ok?) This episode was about these aliens who, if you looked at them- turned to stone. But when you couldn't see them- they would attempt to kill you. and they were wicked fast. S0 you had to keep staring .... because every blink brought them a little closer.
That's my life metaphor for the day. Back to studying.
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