.....

so yeah, i suppose it's about time I opened up a bit more about what's going in life...

I'm trying to read through the Old Testament right now, and today I came across this passage:

Deuteronomy 20:1-4
1 When you go to war against your enemies and see horses and chariots and an army greater than yours, do not be afraid of them, because the LORD your God, who brought you up out of Egypt, will be with you. 2 When you are about to go into battle, the priest shall come forward and address the army. 3 He shall say: "Hear, O Israel, today you are going into battle against your enemies. Do not be fainthearted or afraid; do not be terrified or give way to panic before them. 4 For the LORD your God is the one who goes with you to fight for you against your enemies to give you victory."

Maybe it's because battle's been on my mind a lot lately.. but I found some comfort in this passage. Since, in a way, we are living in exodus from our home in Heaven, it's nice to know God is still watching over us and fighting for us.


I say all that to pre-empt my personal update because no matter how much I am reminded of this, it doesn't keep me from wasting my day lying on the living room floor being miserable instead of studying.

I've gone through the checklist with at least three people now... it seems as though I might be depressed.

Getting out of bed can be the most difficult part of my day some mornings. I go through classes feeling like I'm two seconds from crying... I don't care anymore about studying or school or the future, because even if I continue making my self attend classes and do the work, I am convinced I am not going to amount to anything in the world.

A really difficult part I think is the isolation... because in this kind of state, all I want is to have another person present, whether or not we talk... but the guilt of distracting someone or having someone take time out of their own schedule is strong enough to keep me from saying so. And part of me doesn't want anyone around at times- because I get so irritated that no one understands, or jealous of the easy lives other people have...

whether or not depression is real, I know my self-focused life is slowly eating away at my faith, and that's just scary. the things that enter my mind, even when I know they're irrational or that I don't believe them....

that's where i'm at. I feel like I'm battling an unending army by myself. Like I'm crawling through the Sahara desert. like... i'm hollow, fragile, porcelain- and sooo tired.