On the first day of Christmas my true love gave to me.....

a second wii remote and some new dvd'SSSSS

...

updated the song a bit :)

...

But yeah- did you know the 12 days of Christmas are actually AFTER Christmas? it's the 12 days between Christ's birth and the arrival of the Wise Men... there's a little fun fact for you.

But I was out shopping today, and as I was driving home, that song came into my head for some reason. Why? I think it was the "true love" line...

because honestly, I've spent more money on myself in the last two days then I did for all my Christmas presents for other people. In the context of that song... what does that say about my heart? ughh....

but yeah- i've been meaning to post a more positive entry, but haven't really sat down to write it yet. no worries though - break is going well, just doing a lot of thinking....

Everyone I know that doesn't go to HMCC seems to be falling apart.

the reminder that I'm not the center of the universe is helpful, but seriously...

what is going on???

more later.

no good

lately my 'edit posts' section is starting to fill up with 1-2 sentence drafts, but i have yet to finish a thought.

partially it's because i'll start typing something because I don't want to be studying/praying/doing something else i should do. But then I realize I (1) don't have anything to say and (2) am just wasting time.

We all know that saying "if you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all"
for me- I'm trying to learn it this way: "if you can't say anything meaningful, don't say anything at all."

It seems a bit silly when there are so many other things that I could be working on in life... but I think taking an account of frivolity in life could really help me in gaining a perspective on what my priorities are.

'having fun' really is my downfall. not to say that i can never laugh or smile... but that I use social activities as an excuse to put off work and a shield to block out pain/thought..

I feel like I've been hanging onto the edge of the shallow end of a pool. That there's something awesome out there in the deep end- waiting for me to just swim out... but I just can't make it past that part where I'm on tiptoe to touch the bottom. At some point- I have to just believe that there's no weights tied to my ankles when I make that next step. At some point- I need to know that even though my head might go under ocassionally, that water is still keeping me afloat, no matter how deep.

ugh... trite i know. but, given that it's 3am and i'm in a literary funk, I'd say I'm letting it pass this time. now to get some sleep so that i don't sleep through work (again)


PS- SJC, RuthyG, Imac baby- omg I love you and am so excited for you all. Karen- thanks for my first crepes experience. Possibly the reason I'm still awake writing right now. Awesome!

something new to learn today:

it is so easy to write and write and write and say absolutely nothing at all.

safe at home

Needtobreathe- "More Time"
Cause I need more time
Just a few more months and we’ll be fine
So say what’s on your mind
Cause I can’t figure out just what’s inside
So say alright
Cause I know we can make it if we try
Cause I need more time
Just a few more months and we’ll be fine

So yeah- closed off the Thanksgiving holiday by staying up too late watching Air Force One online- idk- I've always kinda liked Harrison Ford.

Tomorrow is sleeping in, eating leftovers, and then shopping in the afternoon (nothing big- need winter shoes!)

Last night, sitting at home alone while my sisters were out partying with friends, it was easy to feel those problem emotions and meditate on them. It was also easy to get bitter over them...

But then today, dancing around the kitchen with G and SJ as we prepared Thanksgiving dinner- I saw the flow of a life my mother built for the three of us. It was peaceful and familiar- even as I struggled to understand what my mother's recipe meant by 'the little container.' Each child stepped into that familiar role- but in a way expressing that 50% of our mother that lives in our DNA.

The youngest - destined for hospitality business- avoids the kitchen and cooking as much as possible- but busies herself with list making and organizing dishes, table set-up, polishing knives, moving chairs. She is the organizer my mother was- her invite lists and menus get paper-clipped to the menus of the past, and my mother's handwriting on the top of that pile is replaced with her daughter's.

The eldest - independent and absolutely sensible - takes over the turkey, answers the questions I throw at her, already knows the recipes- even though she has to take breaks to vomit as a result of excessive drinking the night before.

then myself- unsure still of where my purpose lies- dedicated to the details, attempting to be observant and prepared for people's needs. and when the stress level increases, i can feel that part of me that is her kicking in- confidence possibly? - telling myself to stop asking questions and just do it. trust your instincts.

But it's not quite the same is it? the youngest has a plan, but limited experience. The eldest is a leader, but not quite selfless. The author is confident on the outside and desperately trying to push down the obsessiveness and emotions that will slow her down.

We are not our mother. But together, we are 1.5 of her.

Our Thanksgiving dinner is not better than hers. The pain of loss might be forgotten temporarily in the work of preparation, but it is renewed in the faces of friends who are unsure of our present states. Though they are pleasant, they don't ask directly; it is in their eyes. Pain and worry. I cannot look at the woman who attempts a toast to my mother that ends in an awkward silence. I need to be able to smile and be pleasant. Answer questions about college. Make sure there are enough clean plates. Clear the table to make space for pie.

In a way, I am glad the holiday is at the beginning of break.

----

Being back here my first night, I got the distinct feeling that I was isolated from the world by immeasurable distance, and that I wouldn't return to my real life for a long time. In this feeling, I realized I would miss my life in Ann Arbor, but it wasn't that scary.

So I had a pretty good day. Even thought once or twice how good it might be to be back here longer.

In review- I'd say home is a dangerous trap. There is pain here... hiding under the guise of safety and comfort.

......

going home

almost time to go home for Thanksgiving. I have to say I'm really excited to be home with my sisters... but also apprehensive about being back in my mom's house. and cooking Thanksgiving dinner without my mom running the show is... weird. and really sad.

Beyond that, Friday night is dinner with my dad's family, so I'm not sure how that's going to go. Last year, we had lasagna then his wife (girlfriend at the time) went to a hockey game with my grandma and my dad (and us girls) watched her kids til it was time to go back to Mom's.

So I guess I'm not sure why I'm excited to go home at all. Maybe for the break from school? Not that it'd be all that different from just simply not going to classes... and really I've got to do more school work up there since I've got a paper due when we get back.

Maybe it'll just be good time to catch up with my sisters. And to start following through on some of my promises to stay focused on God and give Him glory in my life. and time to practice forgiveness towards my father.

In my head, I thought I was doing a better job with that- but then my sister shared something with me today. And yes, it was hilariously awkward. but in context of unforgiveness, it just exposed malice in my heart that I guess I had buried.

That's a weird feeling... malice towards another person. I realize that there are times I love my dad and enjoy the time I spend with him. and there are times when I feel like he is absolutely evil- without cause. The worst of it is recognizing that malice and not only justifying it, but embracing it.

ughhh... alright- this is too confusing to post all of it.

I start seeing a counselor tomorrow. Fun!

Happy Thanksgiving! hopefully the next post(s) will be a bit more cheery- i've got 2-3 saved ideas that only indirectly relate to me. Hopefully they'll get finished soon... kinda getting sick of the emo turn this blog is taking.

I told myself I wouldn't do any updating until my research papers were finished, especially considering they're due in 15 hours... but I'm taking a break and sick of looking at facebook (i also told myself I wouldn't be playing any computer games during my breaks, so that narrows the options a lot...)

I desperately need to do laundry. It's getting bad...

Also, I don't really know where I'm at emotionally speaking right now. I had a really nasty couple days last week, and spent most of the weekend being angry at everyone and everything. I have to say that anger is still hanging on a bit, but it's mixed with something between apathy and what I can only describe as concession...

it's a weird state. and doesn't make writing research papers all that easy... but at least I am not stressed out over the fact this might be the most b.s'd paper i've ever written.... because I really am only doing it to appease people. There is part of me that would like to see what would happen if I didn't write it all.... but that might just be laziness. or malicious intent to draw attention? i'm not a psychologist.

kk- back to paper. pretending i actually know anything about my family history....

Thanksgiving (with life group)

It's snowing! and... there are so many things I could be writing about, but it's cooking day and I'm unusually pumped. anyway- that's really all I have to say about that. more later.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tw1xgeM3Rb4&NR=1

i haven't seen this show in years.. .but i was reminded of this scene today..

Matthew 24:42-44, 26:40-41, Luke 21:36

So this is what happens:

I had a pretty good/normal day yesterday. I was on task- I got stuff done that I needed to do- I went to classes with only the average amount of "I don't want to be here" attitude- I was prepared and attentive, even in my boring lecture. I was able to entertain myself without wondering what other people were doing or desiring the presence of another person. I went to chapel, I did some Seriously heavy journaling (which I almost shared here and decided against doing)..... It was a good day. And in reflecting on this after i returned home in the evening, I realized this made me.. nervous.

Nervous because I might be recovering? maybe a little.
nervous because ...

{sidebar for a moment: I had this discussion with someone earlier, and came to a different conclusion than the one I am about to expand on. I think I was being stubborn in our conversation. Thinking through what I said- it's not quite on par.}

I think I realize I was nervous because God was working. So whether it was my mind or the devil or what have you, my self responded to a good day with laziness and zero productivity. I was energized arriving home, i made lists of to-do for the evening, had books lined up for study time.. did the dishes. and then I sat down and saw that I was doing what I was supposed to be doing and something stopped working, and then I was off task again.

and I woke up regretting that, again, and even if today is a new day- the guilt of a wasted evening is haunting my free time.

So what does this say about God? I think one thing it speaks to is that everything is a process. And it's not a process because God likes moving slowly or can't just *poof* fix everything by waving a wand. Because He can, and I think He does. But I think our selves/minds/bodies/hearts aren't prepared for that kind of change.

Even before this semester, prayers for humility, I think, were answered with struggles that build and build because I'm not properly humbled to deal with them individually... so stuff piles up until I break under the weight.

And like any process of healing, you can only really get 100% when you wait patiently, stick to the prescription diligently, take good care of yourself- and keep it up even when you're feeling better, so that you don't fall sick again.

I think that's my guilt for the day. Not that I was feeling better- but that I feel easily into bad habits when I knew the difficult emotions weren't immediately present.

Constant Vigilance! no joke- it's really important.

it reminds me of this scene from Dr. Who (i'm a nerd at times- ok?) This episode was about these aliens who, if you looked at them- turned to stone. But when you couldn't see them- they would attempt to kill you. and they were wicked fast. S0 you had to keep staring .... because every blink brought them a little closer.

That's my life metaphor for the day. Back to studying.

Control switch.

i'm taking a break from studying for my 4oclock midterm to give a commentary on yesterday's entry.

Someone said something once about the devil's greatest trick was convincing us he didn't exist.
For me I think it's been convincing me that he does exist.

I think the trick comes in then, that it's not my problem/fault when I'm depressed and feel like I can't do anything. and YES - it isn't my fault. I do have some level of self-worth still.
BUT- when it seems like I can't do anything to get myself out of depression and feel like I just want to sit around and mope, feeling sorry for myself and such- then it becomes my problem. Because I KNOW the truth that God gave us- that He can overcome anything and that life is not in my control, but refusing to trust it gives the devil a new foothold in my life.

In my blindness, allowing myself to be convinced that there was nothing left I could do has been my greatest defeat.

And if I can learn to turn that defeat over to God along with the rest of this broken life, it will be raised as my greatest victory over desire for self-control.

so yesterday I was sad. This morning I barely made it to work- I kept looking for excuses not to go but didn't want to lie. Now, I'm just angry. at demons that can deceive and trick me, at myself for being blind enough to be deceived, and still a little at God for allowing deception. (I'm not perfect, okay?)

fueling my study time with rage and an empty stomach. My academic advisor is not going to be pleased when I see her this afternoon.

.....

so yeah, i suppose it's about time I opened up a bit more about what's going in life...

I'm trying to read through the Old Testament right now, and today I came across this passage:

Deuteronomy 20:1-4
1 When you go to war against your enemies and see horses and chariots and an army greater than yours, do not be afraid of them, because the LORD your God, who brought you up out of Egypt, will be with you. 2 When you are about to go into battle, the priest shall come forward and address the army. 3 He shall say: "Hear, O Israel, today you are going into battle against your enemies. Do not be fainthearted or afraid; do not be terrified or give way to panic before them. 4 For the LORD your God is the one who goes with you to fight for you against your enemies to give you victory."

Maybe it's because battle's been on my mind a lot lately.. but I found some comfort in this passage. Since, in a way, we are living in exodus from our home in Heaven, it's nice to know God is still watching over us and fighting for us.


I say all that to pre-empt my personal update because no matter how much I am reminded of this, it doesn't keep me from wasting my day lying on the living room floor being miserable instead of studying.

I've gone through the checklist with at least three people now... it seems as though I might be depressed.

Getting out of bed can be the most difficult part of my day some mornings. I go through classes feeling like I'm two seconds from crying... I don't care anymore about studying or school or the future, because even if I continue making my self attend classes and do the work, I am convinced I am not going to amount to anything in the world.

A really difficult part I think is the isolation... because in this kind of state, all I want is to have another person present, whether or not we talk... but the guilt of distracting someone or having someone take time out of their own schedule is strong enough to keep me from saying so. And part of me doesn't want anyone around at times- because I get so irritated that no one understands, or jealous of the easy lives other people have...

whether or not depression is real, I know my self-focused life is slowly eating away at my faith, and that's just scary. the things that enter my mind, even when I know they're irrational or that I don't believe them....

that's where i'm at. I feel like I'm battling an unending army by myself. Like I'm crawling through the Sahara desert. like... i'm hollow, fragile, porcelain- and sooo tired.

4 goodness sake.

It's OCTOBER.

weekly schedule:
this week- soc exam
next week- different soc exam
then- different different soc exam
November- break with only minor presentation in class i don't go to that often...
2nd week of Nov- Quiz, Project, soc exam
Research paper #1 due
Thanksgiving (at the moment- plan to feed 20... but who knows)
Dec week 1- Research paper #2 due, soc paper #3
Quiz/Soc Final
2 Soc Finals
sleep/Christmas...

2009.

I think recently I'm realizing that I'm a little stressed. I don't really know why......
It's likely the above schedule, added to the fact that 2009 is supposed to be grad year, added to the fact that the g-rents are expecting excellence, and the family expects I'll go on and DO something with the rest of my life.

i think it's the having to do something when i'm done with all this that freaks me out the most. SOO much work for a piece of paper that says I'm qualified to find a job. and I really would like to continue on to grad school, but the preparation to apply to get in is almost a semester's work in itself it seems like...

that was a really convulted sentence.

Point of all this: I'm stressed. and busy. yet still find time to watch tv. and not enough time to study the Bible. (you know it actually crossed my mind that LIFE group was becoming more of a hassle than necessary....)

Solution: make a decision. I'm definite that giving up on ministry teams or LIFE group or prayer is not part of that decision. But I know there is something in my life that's going to have to fall away. Maybe it's my job, maybe it'll be pride... maybe I'll invest heavily in energy drinks.

I'll find out... eventually. That's the beauty of God's plan.

3... am (not too creative on that one....so just deal.)

What's the best thing to do at 3am? sleep? nah...

watch tv? not after three hours of that....

blog? o there we go!

I told someone earlier today I was thinking about abandoning this blog for straight up journaling more often. But rethinking that plan. Still keeping up with the journaling, just separate topics I guess.

I've been thinking a lot about the 5 senses lately.

The other day I was walking home late at night, and my ipod battery was dead, so I didn't have my headphones on... and it occurred to me: I feel less safe with the headphones off.
How does that make sense? rationally speaking, one would say I am safer when I am aware of my surroundings and alert to any dangers.... But emotionally- I feel a lot safer shutting out danger by simply drowning it out. The sounds of the world- even in the quiet and silence of a neighborhood at evening, can be deafening. Sometimes I think it's because they allow so much space for internal reflection... there is no distraction to keep me focused on something besides my own self. I need that music sometimes just to complete a thought without six more arising.

Then, today at prayer- I started to think about sight. How, in life, I have this urge to be seen- to be known. But not to be judged. Seen and appreciated, but never critized. psychologically speaking, I'd say it comes from the assumption that I have thus far lived an 'invisible' life. No interesting stories of upbringing, no tales of misadventures, and no great relationships in which I can identify my role. I think another thing that's had me thinking about this is LIFEgroup this week- we read through the Father's Love Letter and these verses really stuck with me; Psalm 139:2-3

You know when I sit and when I rise;
you perceive my thoughts from afar.

You discern my going out and my lying down;
you are familiar with all my ways.

Even in invisibility- God always SEES. always hears as well... even in my deafness He is listening and guarding me.

What about the other senses? Touch, taste, smell...

I'm going to make this easy and say I don't have much to say about smell at the moment. The Transformation Center finally doesn't smell like paint anymore, but with the fall air being so brisk and clean- everytime I pass a smoker I get a little nauseous and it throws me off balance. As cold as it can be right now, the air is so much cleaner when it smells like leaves and wind and rain with that faint hint of snow coming soon.

Touch... I didn't think I had anything to say about touch.... but I guess I do.
People at church like hugging me. I don't know if they're just friendly people, or maybe a lot of friends show love physically.. .but I feel like an unusually high percentage of people I know will 1)hug me on a regular basis
or
2)lean on me for no reason
Not to say that I don't actually like this. To be perfectly honest, I find it remarkably comforting. and legitimately, I don't mind returning the sentiment. Maybe I just find it surprising coming from my particular background. But sometimes I feel like a teddy bear at church.

I guess the point of all that would be seeing how even as we are all seeking growth in our spiritual, inward lives- our external selves are exposed and broken right along with the insides. I think in our vulnerability- even as we lean on God for strength and guidance- it is nice to have sisters around to lean on when we just need to show and be shown some love.

As for taste, I think I take it for granted. Sometimes eating is just out of necessity, other times it's a sidebar to fellowship or 'meeting up' - but I think, like much in my life, I don't realize how fortunate I am to even be surrounded by so many restaurants and varieties of people that I can go weeks without repeating a restaurant, and choice of dining can be made by the most recent whim or craving.
And as long as I'm going in this direction, let's get tangential for a second and talk about Spiritual taste:

John 6:32-35
32Jesus said to them, "I tell you the truth, it is not Moses who has given you the bread from heaven, but it is my Father who gives you the true bread from heaven. 33For the bread of God is he who comes down from heaven and gives life to the world." 34"Sir," they said, "from now on give us this bread." 35Then Jesus declared, "I am the bread of life. He who comes to me will never go hungry, and he who believes in me will never be thirsty.

Speaking in the spiritual sense- The Bread of Life must taste gooooood. Seriously, Christ satisfies the most basic desires of our souls - just as food satisfies our bodies' basic need for nourishment; but do I ever think about how that tastes? or do I just gulp it down- rush through that meal so I can move on to something better...

because there is really nothing better.

2 the point.

Started a blog, and promptly wrote nothing in it for nearly a week. And largely, have only taken it up again because the idea of studying is abhorrent at the moment, and cuz P.Seth has been pushing the idea of journaling in the last two sermons of the new series. SO here I am, pretending to study but mostly sitting on gchat wishing I was in a relationship I'm nowhere near ready for, and generally just realizing there are about two weeks out of every month where I lose everything I learned or grew in in the previous two weeks.

I think I'm going crazy with this... and maybe this is just stubbornness, but I refuse to believe increased calcium intake is going to help that. Then again, I never gave it that much of a chance. But something in me thinks that by sheer pride and will power, I can overcome depression that has obviously been haunting me for years, and is so clearly tied to hormonal changes.

If there was every anything in my life that needed to be surrendered to God- it's this idea. How do I surrender that- because I'd love for someone to just take care of it... but then again, 'taking care of it' would have to be on my terms, wouldn't it?

Soooo stuck somewhere between toughing out the rough days in order to bring glory to God and not allowing any form of medication out of pride in my own strength. Or cowardice in letting go of control to a worldly solution...

not really sure on that one. everything in my life seems to be striving for a balance lately... and in my good days, I just want to use them to not focus on me for once. REALLY need to stop learning how to pity myself.

give me 1 good reason...

I know I started blogging over the summer for a completely different reason than I am now.. but I think it did inspire me in thinking more about what I write down. Writing in the paper journal, I've found some of the information becomes ramblings.. .and often a little upsetting in what I realize is coming out of my month (or pen in that sense)

So while I see that it's important to allow that catharsis sometimes, I'm thinking it's about time I actually THOUGHT about what I was writing every once in a while as well.

I'm short on time today, so we'll just leave it at that- and if that's not a good enough excuse, we'll use the 'conserving paper' one too. Though considering I've already got three blank journals waiting to be filled... it seems like it's too late to save those trees anyway.